First log on this page! And it makes me anxious to think of posting it.
When I first added "blog" in the navigation I thought I'd update next year, once I change high schools and actually have something mildly interesting to talk about, new classmates, new subjects, blah, blah, blah. Nonetheless, an idea's been weighting on my mind lately: I realized that I really want to write a book. Ever since I was a young kid fiction has fascinated me, I guess I find the real world too dull, this infatuation has brought a desire to contribute somehow, or maybe, to stop daydreaming about other's creations and actually build something with my own hands (more like keyboard). I'm unsure of whether this silly project will amount to anything in the future or not, but I learned that my motivation is quickly lost when I don't announce my plans to someone. That is to say, I think that ---even if no one reads this entry, ever--- by writing about my desire to write something else (pun intended) I might actually get the motivation to finish the story someday.
Lastly, and completely unrelated to the topic of today's entry, you may ask why this is written as a letter... well, why not? I'm fond of writing letters, even if I don't have who to write them to.
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear reader,
Today was my first "day" at my new high-school. To say day, without quotation marks, would be an overstatement: we were told to go at 9:00, and we left at 9:30. I barely slept at all, only to stay for half an hour. When I got there, many students were chatting outside while others waited indoors, the moment the vice principal turned on the mic the ones outside huddled near the hall. But instead of giving us a warm welcome like you would expect her to, she went on random tangents, about wearing the uniform, how girls mustn't wear mini skirts and only clothes their size, that she disliked when people turned their backs while she speaks, etc. To be honest, I pretty much ignored her. My last principal was kind of similar. Then they finally started calling people to get to a classroom. I thought I might end up with a friend, but I was almost the last person named in my group, and she was the second named in the next one.
Once I entered the room, last, I struggled to find where to sit, but after some "excuse me"'s I ended up in the centre. The teacher basically repeated some of the points made by the vice principal, including not leaving the school while on lunch break. Then, she said that she did not allow cellphones inside the classroom if they weren't used as an educational tool. She told us where the library, one of the assistant's/secretary's room was, the toilets. By that point, the assistant/secretary assigned to our group appeared and repeated yet again some of the stuff we had already been told.
Lastly, she left, and the teacher told us to go home. Many stood in line to take a photo of our timetables hanging unto the board ---and so did I---. As for my classmates, they were all complete strangers and did not seem very friendly, but I'll try not taking that to heart.
Today is Thursday, tomorrow I'll go again (earlier than today) and then I'll have the weekend to waste my time on.
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear reader,
At first I thought about updating about my school life once a week, then I realized it's way to boring for that, and, I would forget to do so anyway. In the end I'll just write whenever I remember to.
I guess this kind of "update" needs for me to put my feelings into words. Well, I don't know how I feel about school at the moment, my current classmates are most definetely better than the last ones ---I spent 4 years with the most inseffurable people--- but that doesn't mean I like them that much, or talk to them for that matter. They aren't explictly rude which made me forget they are, in fact, inmature teenagers. And of course I'm an inmature teenager too. Just not in the same ways they are, I try not to interrupt the lessons or my classmates, but they don't seem to care about that. Plus, I find they are WAY to comfortable being mean to eachother online, they will get into petty arguments on the class groupchat every week for no reason (or maybe that's the way teens in my city have fun? Who knows?). As for more specific complaints, mm... one of my classmates is changing classes due to the school having too many groups that are way to big ---so they're adding a new one--- and my classmates were poking fun of her in a passive-agressive way in the groupchat ("she was so fun to be around!" "a shame she won't be in our class anymore!" but in spanish... and also badly spelt), which is... iffy to say the least.
I've spoken to a few people and only a few times by this point. No one seems that similar to me. And even though it's stupid to even think about it, my birthday is next month and I wonder if anyone will notice or care at all. That isn't to say I don't have any friends, I do, just not in my class, and that isn't to say I'm not in friendly-terms with anyone, I am. I'm just a weirdo introvert.
Whatever, I always manage to forget uneventful years. And I'd rather for it to be uneventful than dramatic. I still hope I get to make more friends, maybe even with the new class starting this monday, though I'll only get to see them during the break.
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear reader,
Past few months have been hectic to say the least. My grandpa passed away in July, exactly 28 days after my birthday and that really took a toll on my dad's mental health. On top of that, our relationship with the rest of the family is hanging on by a thread (to say the least) and maybe his death snapped it. I know how sad that makes everyone who knew him, even those who hurt him in the past. Yet, I was never that close to him and only have fuzzy memories of child-hood to remeber him by. Still, I do get melancholic when thinking about him, I guess I wouldn't like it to end like he did. I want to have a happy, joyful life, but that might be hard to do.
On a lighter note, the situation with my classmates has definetely (god, I need a spell-checker, is that correct?) improved! I talk to at least half the class every school-day, without feeling as anxiety ridden as I used to. There are some which I'm at least 90% sure consider me a friend too, and I've learned to ignore the 4-boy-group that truly grinds my gears. My classmates have also encouraged me to be more open about myself, somehow, maybe because they seem more confident than I could ever be. Sometimes I do get sad, though, as I can't always be happy, when realizing some of them have known each other for years and will keep in contact even after we graduate while I'm weary if that will be my case.
Yesterday, 10/09/25, I began going to a sort of "micro internship" for high-school students. The government's educational department does that sometimes and it so happens that my biology teacher's group, which included me, got accepted. It's a fun chance to learn something new, since we're in the more social-humanities branch of education, and I also get to skip the school day and walk over to the university which I might enroll into in the future. The topic we were assigned is about a specific kind of parasite and parasitic disease that exists pretty much only in my country. Seems dull or grim, but I've always liked learning about parasites so I'm rather glad this is what we'll be learning.
Overall, I'm not doing too bad. Except for the fact that I caught my dad's cold and it's been a bit rough with me. About the third paragraph (last log), I did end up inviting one of my classmates along with my old friends to go eat at a restaurant, but lately I feel like the group has been drifting apart. I don't mind as much as I thought I would, I mean, I knew this would eventually happen as it did once I graduated primary school. And I feel less worried now about "fitting in" or not.
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
02/10/25
Dear reader,
These past few days I've unable to sleep well through the night. Maybe I've lost some of my social anxietes, but other ones, have been occupying my mind. In one hand, I still don't know what to do of my future. I've always loved literature and have made off-handed comments to my parents about writing a book. I feel like that's what really drives me, yet, I know they don't take it as seriously as I may do. At the same time, my "professional" plans were to study International Relationships. But... I would need to travel, rent a place, and live in the capital for at least four years which is honestly dissappointing. Not only does it have the highest living-cost of south america, but I much prefer the quietness of a town and not the buzz of high speed cars, drunk college students, or possible mugging.
Nonetheless, on a lighter note: spring has finally arrived to the southern hemisphere! It is most definetely my favourite season out of them all, summer is second place. I just love seeing the flowers bloom, and if you've checked my About Me page, you'll know I'm quite fond of flower pressing. Another good news is that I hung out with my olf friendgroup. We went to the cinema and saw the latest Demon Slayer movie. Even if I haven't seen the anime, the constant monologuing and flashbacks pretty much helped me figure out what was going on. And I swear, beyond all else, that one of the moons is based on the Undertaker from Black Butler, I SWEAR. Anyway, I'm a bit unsure about my current circle, they're a bit rowdy and sometimes talk about other's behind their backs, but you can't expect more from a public high-school.
Lastly, even though this month marks the anniversary of my grandpa's birthday I'm very overjoyed about another topic! (sorry grandpa, I love you). There will be a geeky convention involving cosplays, dance shows, and a bunch of other stuff which I'm looking forward to. I love meeting like-minded peope and some of my friends will go as well. I will need to save some money to buy silly trinkets.
I think that's all for now. I'll later check for misspellings, it's 12 am where I live :[
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear reader,
A guy gave me this two on the bus yesterday. That's it, that's the log.
Stop overthinking it, and let yourself be loved and every time we kiss, I swear I could flyEach time you kiss me, I feel like I'm flying respectively.
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear reader,
Today I went to my local anime convention for only two hours >n< . I had English lessons some hours afterwards and had to leave earlier. Some of my classmates even snuck out and went home even though the teacher had signed us up for a free entry... Anyhow, this was the most boring day, and the good part will come the next following days when the cosplayers show up! I still bought some stuff that I'll upload once I'm less tired. Plus, I won two quizzes and had to step on stage to go get them. Tomorrow I'll be helping out on my English Institute’s anniversary during the morning and then going to the convention until late noon. Will report later o7
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear reader,
Sorry for not updating on my day at the convention yesterday. I was real tired and I couldn't wait to get home and sleep. Not that it matters that much, I bought a bunch of stuff and, since I've already placed some of them around my room, I guess that instead of taking photos of every single one I'd rather name them later —once the convention is over. By the way, today is the thir and final day of the convention and I'll be going later than usual so I have more energy to stay until the end. Yesterday I took a ton of pics with cosplayers and because today the jury will finally appear (and therefore there will be a competition), I hope I can get more photos!
I don't have much money to buy outfits or customers so I closet-cosplayed Puppet from... there's no need to say which game by this point, even my mum knows it. Today, though, I'll just dress up casually and not put much makeup on. My parents are convinced that every single geek is a perverted freak, which I won't deny for some of us, but I one hundred percent believe the whole city is unnaturally insane (and liking dress-up as and adult does not make you a pervert, being a pervert makes you a pervert, and depending on how much of a pervert you are, most times it's fine). Anyway, rant's over O_o
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear reader,
The convention truly left me without energy and I could't possibly bring myself to write this log sooner X^. The final day I didn't buy much, I was there mostly to see who would win the cosplay competition and the kpop cover one. I did buy my parents two keychains though! I witnessed a 4-match rap battle, found out my friends knew the winner and had actually gone to highschool with him for a while and even played card games with the guy ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. By the end of the event I ate some hotdogs with a friend of a friend (that's kinda my friend) and went home. I had lots of fun, took a bunch of pics with different cosplayers, and recorded the aftermath of the whole day–––the entertainers singing a Dragon Ball ending. I'm unsure wether to post some photos or not, but I'll list the items I bought below:
Four big stickers from the same booth: Pomni and Jax, a cat-eared Wanderer and a grumpy Ciel.
Like 15 sticker from a random sticker pack: a monokuma I traded with a friend later on, the baka trio, Jinu's bird-thing, Appa from Avatar, the OG fnaf characters, one Nimona, the dan da dan characters, one Venti, Legoshi and Haru from Beastars, the Yuri-on-ice duo, (apparently) Satori, Tetsuro and Kozume from Haikyuu, Aizawa taking a nap, Senku Ishigami from Dr.Stone (that's an anime?) and two Junji Ito stickers (Tomie and Spiral girl). And then a kuromi pack, which I gave the My Melody and Pompompurin ones to a friend.
A fan with a traditional japanese painting as the background (too weaboo? whatever)
Some figurines: a tiny Rei, a bigger Sebatian, a miniscule Gothitelle.
3-D printed Jinx photo.
Two plastic yellow gummy bears as earrings.
Some photocards: A blackpink pack for a friend and a Han (SKZ) I picked out and got for free!
For my school bag: a big Miku keychain, Teto and Neru ones, an Alice Madness Returns one and a Sebastian pin.
And lastly, a Misa card and a mid-sized Ciel portrait ^-^.
Anyway, this convention is always the event I look forward to each year. Those in the capital get to have Comic-Con every once in a while, but this was the fifth edition of this convention in my city. I'll be ready to save money and buy more trinkets next year! Exam season, really just a week, is starting soon so I may not be that active. Sorry ;p
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear reader,
Yesterday was Halloween!!! yayyyyyy ^u^. It is most definitely my favourite festivity, I probably enjoy it more than my own birthday! I like gifts and all but there's nothing quite like seeing a bunch of little kids dressed up as monsters and horror characters. Firstly, it brings me back to my childhood when I was allowed to wear customes without being seen as someone "off". Secondly, it reminds me of the anime convention I've going to these past few years, and I even saw some of the same cosplayers during Halloween night. And thirdly,... I just love all things horror! No matter how much it actually scares me, from real dreadful films (Incantation, The vvitch, for instance) to the films I used to binge during Halloween on Disney Channel (Halloween Town, Paranorman, etc, etc).
My friends are all killjoys (not saying I'm not, most of the time ;b) and to my group message only one answered by saying she had school matters to attend to, so instead I just went to the mall with my mum. Still fantastic though, I even took a pic with an Artie who was handing out flyers! To be honest, I did refuse to go to a party for Halloween but the people there were friends of a friend, soo, not really my friends.
Anyway, I hope you had a happy Halloween. In my country celebrations and decorations are few and far between due to a long history of secularism but if you're anglosaxon I'm sure your city was brimming with the Halloween spirit (or lots of angry christians).
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear reader,
I've just seen the latest Frankenstein adaptation by Guillermo del Toro, and I've got to say: I-loved-it. He has always been one of my favourite directors and film-makers, not only because of his latinamerican identity but also due to how much he empathises with monsters in each one of his works. Ever since I can remember, monsters have been a comfort for me. After being enveloped by the magical realism genre I can claim that we, latinamericans, tend to share this sentiment of trusting the non-human by reading authors who embraced them. On a more personal note, I was obsessed with Monster High and that kind of solidified this idea of maybe-friendly, definitely-reassuring monsters.
I loved the way he took Mary Shelley's history of motherhood, the one she used to write the original novel, and infussed his own history of being a father and a son, what that means (especiallly as a mexican man in a mostly catholic country) and entails. I see both's vision and inside my mind they coexist as a great, timeless tale of parenthood and religion that resonates with many and will do with many more. Overall, a great movie you should watch! ^u^
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear reader,
The school-year is finally over for me! Tomorrow I'm going to see my final grades. I'm sure I haven't got low ones, otherwise I would have been told and sent to extra lessons :b. Anyway, this means I'm pretty much free all day long now, except I'm a terrible procrastinator and I'll probably spent entire weeks up to nothing. I do hope I get to update more often, read, write, etc, etc.
On other news, I decided to pick the least-favourite route on education (for context: in Uruguay once you're a "junior", you get to choose between "humanities", "technology", "the arts" and "general studies". This year I did humanities, next I'll do general studies), it's frowned upon because of how non-traditional it is. Yet, if I kept going down the humanities side I would only have two choices: studying to be an accountant or a lawyer/solicitor. So instead I'll spend my senior year in this strange-new route, I guess! My parents definitely don't approve and would rather for me to study and have a conventional job.
I think that's all for today.
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear Reader,
It's tiiiime~~~ to have my English exams 0_o.
First of all, I'll start were I ended the last log. I got my results back and they were all nine out of ten, except for four tens in: history, philosophy, geography and literature. I exempted English during the year so that one didn't count. That day, after getting my results back, my dad picked me up and asked "with those results, you still don't want to study what I've told you?" (read last log), I simply said "no" and that got him making a fuss for a bit. He later apologized by buying us some expensive food ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. But whatever, the past is in the past so now I'm just proud of my grades.
Secondly, I went to a birthday party the other day (29th) and had lots of fun. I sang karaoke and played the equivalent of Cards Againts Humanity. Then we ate food and they danced and fell and danced while I laughed like a loon on the floor even though I was the only one sober. Very fun!
Lastly, as the first paragraph suggests: I will be having my English exams this week (02 speaking and 04 written parts). I'm not suuuper stressed out but it is an important exam, to be exact, I have been studying English for more than seven years and even skipped some; this is the final C2 exam. Even teachers talk about losing the exam on their first try (which is worrying), yet, because i'm the pseudo-youngest, I believe they were much more busy than I with university and such. Anyway, please wish me luck if anyone is reading this! And if you're reading this in the future, I damn hope I passed. I don't care a whole lot about my grades, though I've always passed with an A so I'm expected to do the same this year.
The entire process is boring as hell, though. We need to go to the institution's centre thirty minutes before the time we are given, just in case we happen to enter early, and this is all during the morning. For instance, on the second I'll need to wake up at eight o'clock to get there at nine-ten because I have to speak for about fifteen minutes at nine and a half. Plus, the next event is even WORSE, I've got to wake up at seven in the morning to get there at eight o'clock and stay there until one and a half pm. We're not allowed to leave, use our phones, jewellery, "matte" water bottles, etc. and we need to bring our own snacks in a little plastic bag with a pen, a pencil and an eraser/rubber. Pleeease help me. The worst part? Cambridge just released a virtual version of the whole written exam that I couldn't access because my godmother had already paid the traditional one.
This all means, I will be waking up early and trying not to fall asleep late (already messed it up), i'll be studying to the best of my ability and probably will still be late for the exam. Have I also mentiones that I happen to have started my -?
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear Reader,
It's Christmas Eve!
I managed to make my site (mostly) accessible for mobile, there's still some tweaks here and there I need to make but at least it's actually readable now. Next time I'll try to fix any other problems with it.
But enough of coding! It's now Christmas Eve and a looong night awaits me. Since my grandpa passed away, we'll be spending this Christmas with my grandma (as to why we stopped, that's another whole story), so it's very likely the mood will be more sour than a squeezed lemon. Anyway, I still enjoy Christmas for christmas sake, when I was a young kid I never really cared about it. I was a rather depressing child, though everyone tells me the opposite. It seems like i'm reverting somehow, maybe I've just learned to find joy in "childish" things without feeling shame anymore.
I hope that your Christmas is better than mine! Be filled with jolly and be merry or whatever one says in these situations!
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear Reader,
Phew, I haven't updated this in a year... (gets booed off stage) sorry, had to do it.
Looking back though the logs, I never said whether I passed my exam or not. I did! Two points away from getting an A though, damn you Britain.
Lately I've been using discord a bunch to communicate with friends and I can semi-confirm I'm no longer scared of texting people on social media ^-^ (I hope I can say the same about real life, but I've got to wait two months to find out). Overall, I'm having a great time in the discord server I am, the mods are really nice and so are the members. Shout out to my discord kittens, mwah. I do wish that discord wouldn't force you to watch shitty 3min adds to get orbs however --> had to see way too many for a single effect.
On another note, I haven't updated my library in a while because... i'm in the kind of reading sickness I get every two months (bad timing, i'm on summer holiday) where I simply can't bring myself to read anything longer than a few pages before becoming distracted or loosing interest. I'd say that's the worst thing thing that happened these past two months /?/. The same thing can be said about other kinds of media, sometimes I watch a film or two, but that's about it.
Sorry for the short log, unsure anyone actually reads this but oh well, I'd like to write longer blogs but I don't actually have anything interesting to say. Maybe that lately I've been really into 70s music? Yeah, I guess that counts. I've also been learning japanese! Mostly how to speak it and understand it, rather than kanji, katakana and hiragana: once I properly understand what I'm saying I'll try writing it :b. New Mitski album also dropped, yippie!!!
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear Reader,
I have absolutely no idea of how this website looks like, my WiFi network is not working as it should and pages won't load for me. So if this looks undecipherable, I'm sorry but at least I've got a good excuse!
Tomorrow is going to be my first day of senior year/ref! The Uruguayan educational system is hard to explain but I basically choose to go though the least specific lessons. Managing money, knowing how to handle things by yourself, basic math, something light before being thrown into university life.
Some of the people I befriended last year are also my roomates so I'm not that bothered by being a lonesome little emo kid. Which I am, but I'm also an annoying brainrotted fiend ^-^. I hope I can get closer to the ones I knew beforehand and get to know the rest evenly so.
I will now be going to sleep so I can wake up early and do my makeup, have I mentioned I like makeup now? I also like skirts much more than when I was a kid. I guess being more independent and freeing yourself of other's expectations does that to you!
One final note: I have aquired a karaoke machine and i'm gonna be SO annoying with it. I LOVE KARAOKE ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear Reader,
Kind of a vent post? I believe. But none of my irls are going to be looking at this anyway.
I've always had this problem of staying in contact with people outside of the real world. I've drifted away from my childhood friends in the past, seeing them become completely different people. I've seen my current friends change in real time while I wasn't around and it upsets me tremendously, which I find ridiculous for an aromantic person like I am. It just always feels like i'm second place to someone, or something else. And that while I stay the same, everyone grows up but me. Maybe it has something to do with my lack of attraction towards others since that something that's constantly pushed as part of the teen/yound adult experience. Or maybe it's because I've felt othered since I can remember and that impacts me somehow. Thing is, I dunno.
However, my hormones are acting up so this might be a side-effect of having a troubled mind and a tired body. Therefore, I'm going to pack these little thoughts away for a little while until I feel better or until I get some random breakdown in the middle of the night (which I can already feel approaching me from the distance --it's akin to an empty body and the sound of your hearbeat from afar).
As my main page goes, my mini-holidays are officialy over and no one bothered to text me before me doing it prior (another contributing factor to feel like ass?) and now I've gotta survive my highly extroverted classmates and mildly annoying teachers. Send love and prayers, please/j. It's really not that bad, I've never felt more connected to a classgroup before but I haven't spoken to any of them personally and only send the ocassional meme on the groupchat so... that's not good publicity for my former mates.
Anyway, life's motto is: everything shall pass. And it will. I won't bother by adding anything more to my list of dissapointments, they'll either go away by themselves or I will make them. For now, have an awesome April, keep in mind what this month simbolizes to so many people and keep trying your best!
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear Reader,
Fuck whatever I said man, I just had the best massage of my life and I'm feeling GREAT, so remember kids: never believe how you feel when you have chronic pain!
I've had scoliosis since I was very young and it is defintely showing now. From feeling tired standing for anything longer than ten minutes, to being unable to sleep due to back problems. And I swear to any god or gods out there, this random woman just made me high without a single drug. I felt every single pop in my back and neck. She was also highkey religious in that mix-and-match way that us south americans are, so I also felt a little bit like I was being exorcised by a Shaman but overall an 11/10 experience. Would 100% recommend to anyone with scoliosis ^u^.
Also, I guess I was complaining about friendships or something akin to that, but I'm going to a sleep over so forget about thaaat (for now). Who knows what will happen next time, not me! And I'm happy like that.
Anyway, just wanted to make you all 3 people who read this jelly /j.
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear Reader,
I'm feeling terrible, again. Warning for mentions of suicide ideation, cursing, misspellings and general edgyness (/?), I guess.
I know it's bound to happen at least once a month and yet I never see it coming before it's too late: somehow, I reach my breaking point in the middle of the night and cry myself to sleep over dumb shit. I don't even know what got me so upset in the first place. I just feel so isolated all the time. Online, in real life. Even when i'm talking to others, face to face, I wonder if they're even listening to me or care about me at all. Especially since when I try to contact them later they either leave me on read, or post about having an awesome time out eith friends. That's not to say I don't push people away, I do. And I end up regretting it, always. But why would they bother talking to me? Why not talk with someone who's actually helpful?
Sometimes they do act as if I'm helpful for a minute, and then discard me the next. I guess that's kinda what hurts the most. I don't even know if I'm being used or not, because I simply can't imagine myself being useful for anything at all. I'm completely and utterly useless.
My grades are dropping. I can't even lift a finger to do any of my hobbies. Ever since I passed my English exams I've been procrastinating. It's April already and I feel like I've accomplished nothing. I feel like I will never accomplish anything in life. That I'm just going to be a random face that people will forget. And I'm afraid. I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want to be mischaracterized by whoever buries me to try to fit me into their narrative.
Yet, asking for help is useless. I don't want help. I just want to get better. I want to be better. I want to be remembered, and I want to be cherished and loved.
I don't see that happening. I'm not worthy. I'm just a loser hiding behing a screen. I'm a horrible looking person with a shitty personality, no hobbies, no interests, nothing to be attracted to. And it may seem like a contradiction, being aro and wanting to be loved. It's really not. I may not feel "love" the samw way most do, but to feel unlovable is disgusting. I feel disgusting. No wonder nobody answers my texts, no wonder I sit in the back of the class and talk to two people at most, no wonder my parents are dissapointed in me.
I will never be the kid they asked for, a perfect little cherub who does nothing wrong and never struggles. They keep telling me to not be afraid, to let them know. And the times I've traid, they've refused to take me seriously. My life's one big joke. I wish I has been born normal. A cute, sociable child with a bright future ahead of me. Instead, I got in trouble in school and forever ruined my sense of self. No matter how many jokes I tell, I still have nightmares of being ushered away by my peers into a corner. And they've all grown up without me, I've seen them. Acting my age. But I still feel just as lost as when I was a five year olf.
Truth is, I would never kill myslef. The thought is appetizing, almost too good to be true. But I'm too afraid. I don't know what lies beyond this boring, monotone life I'm living, but I bet it's not much better. I want to stay alive only so I can keep dreaming. I want to dream that people care, that the people who I want to care do. I want to dream of living in the most beautiful house, feeling the sun kiss my skin during the morning and seeing the moon come up at night. I want to dream that I can be at peace, somewhere, sometime. But will that ever happen? They say life is a rollercoaster of ups and downs, and it certainly feels like one. But the highest I ever get is while lying to myself. How can I spend the rest of my life like that? How can I be someone I'm not without these crisis becoming more and more common?
I never wanted to grow up. I don't want to grow up. I don't want to be forced to study something in this day and age, only for a machine to replace me. I wish I could stay a chilf forever and everytime I cried someone could come comfort me. That's all I really need.
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear Reader,
Feeling: meh. Warning for self harm this time?
I'm not crashing out as badly as yesterday, yet I'm not jumping from happiness either. I'm stuck in that weird empty feeling once the adrenaline is done rushing through your body. I'm not going to fix any spelling mistakes from last log, I don't feel like reading it now that I'm slightly better. I did woke up furious at anything and anyone, which prompted me to try and cut myself (failed, too much of a coward to do it). Instead, I just hit myself a bit and went back to sleep as soon as possible. I probably slept five or six hours before waking up again.
Only things that have annoyed me was my father commenting on my body, really. It's like he can't help but to complain about how fat I'm getting or how my face is full of pimples. It has always been an habit of his. Ever since I can remember he's been telling me how ugly my nose is (the one I inherited from him) and "joking" about me getting a rhynoplasty. He has also repeatedly "begged" me not to become as fat as my family members.
I try to be understanding, I truly do. He has a bad case of diabetes which runs in the family and doesn't want me to end up heavily medicated or chronically ill. Thing is, I already have a chronic condition, I have scoliosis. It may not be as bad as his, but I still have a curved spine that is regularly making me feel hurt.
He hasn't refrained from talking about it either, though he acts as if I'm faking it alltogether. I happen to have a bunch of strech marks all around my body, but esecially ones running along my back and hips. He hates them and wants me to cover them up. Why should I? It's not like they're going to suddenly dissapear and I'll become a healthy, athletic person.
Doctors and nurses don't get it either. They don't think of it as a disability or a chronic illness but rather as a tiny mistake which can be fixed with a little bit of swimming and pilates. Yeah, sure, whatever you say buddy.
Point is, I try so hard to fit into what others want me to be. I try all sorts of "skin care", I'll even starve for hours and get lightheaded to avoid eating. Still, it's not enough. I weigh roughly a 130 pounds and they want me to get thinner, "healthier", or no one will ever love me or care for me.
Sorry for venting so much lately, I can't explain why exactly I've been feeling so incredibly annoyed and upset but I need to let steam off, somewhere.
Hope whoever is reading this is feeling better than me! And if not, we'll get there, eventually.
...
I know technically it's the same day but I have my reasons hehe. I wrote last entry late at night (2-3am?) and I'm writing this one at 8 in the evening.
See? Told you I have my reasons. Anyway, today I've been feeling better even if I have to blame it on the fact my mind's been distracted coding all day long. Well, less coding, more like detangling a jungle, but you get my point. I've tried not to use social media that often since the other day, seeing the empty message feed bums me out. Instead, I followed some random advice I found online and decided to track for how long my friends won't talk unless I iniciate conversation myself. My findings so far: 15 hours with the exception of one of them sending me a Tomodachi Life meme nine hours in. Nice. Feeling very appreciated!
Jokes aside, it often feels like I'm the only one putting in the effort, I plan our outings (the date, the place, the time, etc.), I reach out and ask them how they're doing, I send all the stupid jokes hoping to get noticed. And what do I get? 15+ hours without any contact. In fact, the only person that regularly texts me is an ex-classmate that used to be obsessed with me and I happen to be in a group chat with.
Every single year I'm afraid I will lose them, and every single year I try my hardest to keep in touch. I believe maybe it's time to let go. My birthday is coming up next month and I don't want to remember it alongside them, because I know that though I may enjoy it in the moment, I'll regret it later. I've been thinking of saving up money and buying some books that day, maybe go out for a walk in the city centre and have lunch at a café.
I know for a fact that some of them will forget it, and I also know that this one girl who has also attached to me like a sponge will annoy me. God I hope I get to skip class that day.
A bit unrelated yet still worth mentioning, one of the things that encouraged me to stop using social media as much and to silence other's updates was my friend boosting about how her 2020s self would despise her. The 2020s her that I met and got along with, the one that talked to me when no one else did. That geeky, nerdy girl. In the end, it seems like everyone grows up without me. I don't feel a day different from a year, five, or even ten years ago. My parents hate me in that regard.
Hope you're feeling alright.
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear Reader,
Did not sleep in the slightest, we'll see how my classes go and update later (* ´ ﹃｀*) - 8:22am.
Wasn't as bad as I thought they would be. I got to talk about Poe during literature class and signed up to write an essay for a national competition! It needs to be around 1200 words long and I've got until August to send it. I'm not hoping to get a big reward but I'm bored and I like to write for others to see, plus, the topic is interesting enough and I've written a similar (and longer) essay on it last year.
Talking about writing, I'm nearly done with my first chapter. I just need to add a bit more atmosphere and check for misspellings before movig on to the next one. I don't believe I've mentioned this before, and prove me if I'm wrong, but what has stopped me from getting further with my short novel was not only my lack of focus but also the fact that I lost the file with 10k words in it and had to write it all back from scratch. I will say, I'm much more confident on where the story is going now and am truly convinced that over half of what I had written was entirely unnecesary for the plot OR the theme.
As a small treat/spoiler, I've settled for a short (20-25k words) novel about class, gender and sexuality. You know, the typical stuff for a vampire.
I'm hoping to be done with it by today - 4:07pm. Write you later!
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear Reader,
I should be asleep by now, but keep quiet shhh. The first chapter of my book is done and I've got ten more left to go (including an epilogue).
You may find it hard to understand as to why I'm wasting precious time writing something that may never be published. Well, as someone who has accomplished nothing but a small handful of minor achievements, I need this. To feel as if I'm doing something other than being irrelevant and unimportant, or lazy and apathetic.If I get to finish this, no matter how short it ends up being, I could properly consider myself a writer. At least in my mind.
Do I wish it could be picked up by publishers so others could read it? Of course, I'd love to hear (or read) if anyone else feels seen by my words. Plus, having my own source of income would be amazing (and I'll be honest, having a fandom would be the most fun thing EVER for day one fangirl-like as me).
Therefore... this site will be the one place where I'll be spamming my progress. I'm well aware of how depressive episodes deprive me of the ability to be productive at all for months so to have a place where to keep myslef in check is great. Sorry to you all who have to read this, though/j.
Now, I really need to catch some sleep. Tomorrow I'm getting my math tests results back and I already know I'M DONE FOR.
...
Spoilers! Didn't sleep and didn't get my math results because my teacher hasn't corrected them yet. My classes today consisted of doing one exercise, being called to go visit the university nearby so they could pull a promo on us (for almost two hours), playing a kahoot, taking a group photo and walking back to school. Then I had twenty minutes of math lessons before the bell rang and instead of going by bus I decided to just walk home and take the scenic route (4 kilometers).
I entered by the porch and saw that all my pets were outside, wondered why and got the same answer as always: dad didn't let them go outside all morning long so one of them pissed on the kitchen floor and he made me handle the mess while he watched his right-wing ai slop. Before grabbing a mop he beckoned me and showed me live camera footage of my grandmother crying, praying and talking to herself at the dinner table.
Then my mum began texting me over him not answering and when I confronted him he simply told me to shut the fuck up and treat him with respect. I went back inside my room, took a shower (after cleaning the dog's mess), fed my pets and the moment I drifted off to sleep he shouted my name again. Mum was on the porch with the car pulled awkwardly and the doors open. I told him mum probably needed his help and not mine, so he went back to telling me to shut up and do as I'm told. I slammed the door on my way towards the car and, indeed, it was only a matter he could help with since the car had some battery issues. And so after screaming with my mum for a bit I repetead the process and told him that the car wasn't working, which of course, was the only thing more important to him than watching youtube shorts of liberals being owned by chads or whatever the fuck he watches.
After driving to the mechanic, he woke me up again and made me eat lunch with them. I hit my own glass of soda and he got angry and told me to stand up again and again until I did, then I grabbed a mop and after that continued eating in silence.
It's been a while since I've done that, and he has always been good at ragebaiting me, and so I expected him to hit even though he has never done it before. But I know he wants to. He's just holding back. And I guess that's a good thing all things considered. Doesn't make me feel safe though.
Am I really the one supposed to get a respectable career and bring all the money home when everyone is insane? Can't I opt out of it and live life as I please? Moments like this remind me of those guilty fantasies I'd have all the time, of finally being hit and to pack everything so I can run away from home and change my name. But to be honest, I'm easy prey and terribly autistic, I don't have enough street smarts to survive a day out on my own. I guess they'll just stay as fantasies unless they figure out what I'm writing here and decide to kick me out of the house.
My moods have been swaying left and right lately, in horrible highs and disgusting lows. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to control them. The moment something annoys me I feel the need to scream and bite and punch and scratch. I feel disgusted by myself after those fits of rage. I just want to do nothing forever and be happy.
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear Reader,
At this point I'm going to write a new log every day, man. It's currently 1am but I felt like complaining a bit more so here it goes:
One of my classmates messaged me on instagram asking me if I had fought with a friend after she saw me switch from sitting in the back to the front. I told her I hadn't and the actual truth too, I'm a magnet for austistic girls. And I've been one since I can remember. I guess my own 'tism is bringing them to me. Now, obviously I don't have any issues with that. In fact, we share a bunch of interest and I enjoy talking to her. However... she is incredibly clingy while i'm more of a touch-adverse person, I'm terrified of saying "no" to things and I'm beginning to believe she may have a crush on me.
To say the least, I did NOT move seats because of my friend (╥ᴗ╥). Anyway, she (the girl who had messaged me) complimented my appearance and said she wished she could look like me, which I didn't expect to ever hear from someone. Particularly, because she is quite literally the prettiest girl I've ever known, even when we attented our ex-highschool together.
I was just really confused (and flattered) at the same time. But of course, my kind-hearted and amicable dad had to ruin the moment. The moment I opened the door to his room he inmediately stared at my face before blurting out loudly: your skin looks like shit, do your products even work?
Excuse me? What about "hello"? What happened to "how are you doing, everything's running smoothly at school, huh"? Dad, I just walked in, can you TRY not to bring me down each and every single time we speak face to face, can we have a civil conversation where you don't attempt to shut down my arguments by telling me to shut up in an increasingly louder volume?
Ughh, I don't even know why I bother anymore. I understand he has his issues, except... we all do, and I'm not actively being an ass to you, am I? PLEASE take your medication, man. You need it.
I'm seriously considering what it would take for me to move out as early as possible.
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear Reader,
I'm endlessly bored and it's not even may yet. I lack the motivation to do anything, really. Sleeping seems to be more enjoyable than anything else. I tried coding for a bit to see if that sparked anything, but insofar I'v yielded nothing. I did manage to write 600 words last night for my second chapter so I guess that's something.
I also researched which publishers are most likely to accept my manuscript if I ever finish this project. Because, if you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly good at socializing, what a surprise!
Oh, and about that silly essay I did because "sure, why not?" well... I agreed to an online meeting with some marketing students and I'm absolutely regretting ever doing so; I'm one hundred percent wasting their time and my social battery is so drained the sole thought of interacting with strangers and having to act as if I could ever afford that university is killling me. I wish I had never signed up for this bullshit, I just felt like writing an essay. Never did they say I was going to be personally contacted by anyone (¬_¬").
Yours faithfully,
Vamp
Dear Reader,
Went on a blocking and deinstalling spree and now I'm free ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡.
Bye bye Instagram, you had your fifteen minutes of fame on my phone but we're back to square one with you! And bye bye Discord, i'll be reading you on my browser once a blue moon. Alsooo, won't be contacting anyone unless they speak to me first! I won't be the one putting in the effort, you useless bunch ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧
Plus, I've noticed this pattern in my disordered thinking before and I'd say I' aware of in which stage I currently am on: first, I'm manic and love being alive, then I crashout and hit the lowest point I possibly can mentally, then my mind turns blank and foggy, and once that's over I'm back to being manic. So, I guess I'll just wait out the drowsiness and do the most with the little energy I have until I hit that peak again.
